Anxiety

ANXIETY


Standing at a gaping maw
                                    balancing between life
            and certain death

I try and grasp at the little bubbles of breath
      that escape my lungs
hyperventilating-ly gulping like a water deprived fish

                         my
                          heart
                           races
                            towards
                             an always
              receding
finish-line

starting at almost seen, hackle-raising danger

my boundaries sharpen
              to a razor's edge
                and every sound
                          every action
                               every look
                                    by others
                           grates across me
           with soul-infuriating scrapes

Sleep flirts with my mind
but is afraid of commitment
and I am left unsatisfied
unfinished,
spent

I retreat to find sanctuary in solitude

I close my eyes
                         and watch colors flit across the darkness
                         and feel sound caress my ears as music envelopes me
                         and smell the lavender that I have doused myself with

Sleep fitfully snuggles next to me
And later, I awake,
anxiety back in check,
held at bay because
                                             I have things that have to be done
                                             I don't have time for this
                                             I can't let others down
                                             I can't NOT be in control
...
                                          ...

                ...

and continue on
for now

Possibly...

Hold on to possibility

Release and release and release again

Until all that we have 

has been

 transformed into all that we need

Until all that we need becomes all that we have

Plant the seeds of future growth

In the fertile soil of today’s preparation

Be here now

Now be here

Be

Here

Now

Until now is then

Until then is held in the palm of the hands of now

Until all that there is

Is present

Choosing the path that is going the direction travelled

And going the direction the path is travelling

Possibility is the seed of all that is

The seed that encodes the very growth of my future

That holds the heartache

The laughter

The jubilance

The terror

The entire essence of my being

The cusp of the pass

The turning points of good and bad choices

The culmination of

Ecstatic weeping

Desperate rejoicing

And angels dancing on heads of pins

Until there is nothing more to do than gather the fruit of who I am

Harvest the propagations of expectations

That have combined into an amassed silo of Be-ing

To sift through and discover the seeds of possibility

To sow into the future path of forever

Dark Ally

1.25.15
“Darkness can be an ally.” -Chaparral

Dark Ally

I sit atop an open tower cloaked in Darkness.

Deep in my heart is only night,
  fear runs a finger down my spine,
and a shiver moves my soul.

I yearn for light
       but darkness stretches
              as far as I can see.

I open my mouth
to shout a defiant yell.

      Instead,
the darkness
     muffles
 the sound and
      pushes it,
          

 pushes it
     
        back
            down.

I choke on the blackness
  that begins to fill me up.

I consciously pause…

hold the dark in my mouth…

 

                                 refusing to drown.

And suddenly,
  I am aware of a spark on my tongue,

a dark shimmer
 that infuses my being.

 I pull those sparks
      deeper
into my being.

              Absorbing ever more of the darkness,

the darkness carrying silver,

until I can hold no more.

And still,

I push down
    and compress,

                         compress it all,
            to make more room.

Until I realize,
 it needs to come back out 

and I

Explode.

I explode with fireworks of sparking dark,
spreading the Milky Way
  in
     a
        path.

In a path back to the edge of time, where I stand.

I stand atop an open tower,

            throwing off a cloak of Light.

        

I am

I am light, beauty, tranquility, truth.

BUT…

I am also darkness, ugliness, turmoil, deceit.

BUT…

                I am growth, joy, comfort, life.

                                BUT…

                I am also decay, sorrow, pain, death.

                                And…

                                I am anger, fear, sobbing, doubt.

                                BUT…

                                I am also delight, courage, laughter, hope.

I am all that is good, all that is evil, 

                                  all that builds up, all that destroys.

                I stand at the center of paradox,

                                Every day.

                I choose one or the other,

                                                Every moment.

                I contemplate hurt or healing,

                                                                Every breath.

Who I am.

Who I was.

Who I will be.

I am hatred, disgust, scorn, envy, and revenge.

AND…

I am love, sympathy, delight, pleasure, and forgiveness.

I am everything and nothing, the beginning and the end.

I am the seed of endless possibility, 

                                       awaiting the spring rains and warming sun.

Creation

The Space You Hold

Contains more than just you.

The space you hold

Encompasses width, height, death, birth.

The space you hold reaches to the end of the galaxy,

The edge of the Universe,

The innermost reaches of the soul.

The space you hold

Brings light to darkness,

A flow of equilibrium,

A quantum sense to the macro,

A macro view to the quantum.

The space you hold

Flies dragons to the moon,

Sees beyond the veil,

Sings up the rising sun,

Dances in the north wind,

Howls with the coyotes,

Kisses rainbows,

Tastes snow-capped mountains,

Runs across oceans,

Swims in unknown stars,

Holds a newborn baby with the gentle caress of the very first snowflake.

The space you hold

Is the space I reside in.

The space you dwell in,

Is the space I hold.

Because the space I hold,

Contains more than just me.

The space I hold

Circles back to where you are.

The space I hold

Explores the depths of my being,

Reaches for the stars,

Delights in the journey.

The space I hold

Looks to the future,

Regards the past,

Stands in place,

While touching every point in time.

The space I hold

Flies beneath the sands,

Flows above the southern lights,

Wraps up in the cherry blossoms,

Plays amongst the flames,

Cries into the hollow spaces,

Breathes in the summer rains,

Spins between the tumbling notes of a golden symphony,

Listens to the breath of a butterfly.

The space I hold,

Is the space you hold,

Is the space you hold,

Is the space I hold.

I hold my space,

And enmesh with the space you hold,

And we hold space,

For all that is.

Memory of a Kiss

The memory of your kiss
lingers in the twilight of my dreams,
Rousing me to wistful wakefulness
and I ache for the curve of your caress.

I long for the enrapture of
entanglement
of our limbs.

Enthralling,
Intertwined,
Ecstatic.

My soul searches for your scent-memory,
flooding my mind with wave after wave
of decadent desire.

The taste of your tongue
tantalizes me
with a yearning for
You.

So...

I slide back into slumber,
and wrap myself around
The memory of your kiss.

Darkness & Light

Letting you see
the darkness that is me
in the midst of the light

Letting me be
the possibility
as I stand within the night

Lightness flows
and darkness flares
igniting the fulcrum of life

I run from the center of me
Until I realize I've run back to me
and embrace the darkness
that I cannot escape

I run to the center of me
And discover the light
held in my darkness
and I see
me