Anxiety

ANXIETY


Standing at a gaping maw
                                    balancing between life
            and certain death

I try and grasp at the little bubbles of breath
      that escape my lungs
hyperventilating-ly gulping like a water deprived fish

                         my
                          heart
                           races
                            towards
                             an always
              receding
finish-line

starting at almost seen, hackle-raising danger

my boundaries sharpen
              to a razor's edge
                and every sound
                          every action
                               every look
                                    by others
                           grates across me
           with soul-infuriating scrapes

Sleep flirts with my mind
but is afraid of commitment
and I am left unsatisfied
unfinished,
spent

I retreat to find sanctuary in solitude

I close my eyes
                         and watch colors flit across the darkness
                         and feel sound caress my ears as music envelopes me
                         and smell the lavender that I have doused myself with

Sleep fitfully snuggles next to me
And later, I awake,
anxiety back in check,
held at bay because
                                             I have things that have to be done
                                             I don't have time for this
                                             I can't let others down
                                             I can't NOT be in control
...
                                          ...

                ...

and continue on
for now

Life & Death

I close my eyes
but cannot sleep
death stalks my every turn

If I fall asleep, could I not wake up?
If sleep captures me, could it hold me in its embrace
until slumber captures my very soul?

I open my eyes
but cannot wake
ghosts haunt my waking hours

If I wake, will I be able to carry on?
If light shakes me to full awareness, will I have to let go of dreams
wisping through the light of day?

I shake my head
to clear the gauzy tendrils
of illusion clinging to my mind

If I don't sleep now, how will I rejuvenate my soul?
If I don't dream now, how will I know when I've attained them?
If I don't wake now, how will I ever expect to make a difference?

If I don't live now, when do I ever truly expect to?